A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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