can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
