True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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