just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
