My friends, they love my intelligence
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
