yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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