if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do vagina's smell?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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