Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
