when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
