"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
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Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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