Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
