how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
