woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Mom said you looked used
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
