I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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