My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
