There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
