saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
