the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
