Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
