When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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