I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
