Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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