i jhust puked up my retainher.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
