i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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