i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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