I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
