Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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