i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
