Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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