She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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