i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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