apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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