final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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