I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
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Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
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