I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm really into asian looking animals
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Did I show you my penis last night?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
