I want to walk on stilts...naked
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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