So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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