He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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