im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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