Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
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She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
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You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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