I feel great
I just peed on a car
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
