the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
