I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
