six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
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I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
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I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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