um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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