I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
