dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
