I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
