Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Four minutes until I can fart!
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
