I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
