he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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