Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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