it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
