He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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